let it out

i've been going through some stuff within in the past 24 hours so i thought it might feel good to let everything out.

im going to have to say goodbye soon
a long time coming
we all know it's coming
your labored breathing
dangerously low blood pressure
doctors, nurses, family, friends know
but i must admit it still devastates me

thinking back...

memory lapse
poor judgement
vivid dreams that awoke you that you thought were real
cold sweats and looks of terror
you called the police
disturbance of the peace
assisted living
nursing home
intensive care facility
"who are you again?"
forgot my name
forgot your son and his wife's names
then came the muttering...
1,2,3,4,5,6
over and over and over and over
are you thinking?
but you can't form words in between incoherent slurs of vowel sounds?
what comes after six?
now i've confused you
the worst part is
when you look into my eyes with a horrifying blankness
you have something to say
but you physically can't form the words

you were once so educated
musical
artistically gifted
at a time when women just weren't educated to be anything other than teachers or nurses
top of your class at duke university
social working
landscape painting
intellectual
people say i remind them of you in your youth
i wouldn't know
because my memory has been filled with the way i've perceived you
at the worst moments of your bout with this terrible disease

i'll miss you terribly
goodbye, me-mom.
rest in peace.